So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
