Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
