Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
