it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
