how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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