My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
