Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
