It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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