I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
