see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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