I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
