My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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