So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
