I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
