I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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