dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
