Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
