You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
