Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
