K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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