The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
