I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
