Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
then he tried to convert me to islam
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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