Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
