im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
