Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sext me about skeletons
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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