The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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