I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize