Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
