I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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