Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
