I need help removing her.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
