i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
