Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
