why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
