girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
