I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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