I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
