so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
