I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got inside last night via doggy door
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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