Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
