if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
