Swine flu is the new snow day.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
