So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
