Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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