dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
