I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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