I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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