her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I need to stop coming to work sober
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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