it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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