My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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