he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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