census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize