totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
