so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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