I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you mean i was at the winter classic?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
