he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
