True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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