When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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