she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
