I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
