We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
