you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
