covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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