new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
