I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize