I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
