remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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