i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
