upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
