Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
