so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
