The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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