Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize