I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
