omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
