my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is my gift to your gina
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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